The Agency Bullsh*t Dictionary
Every joke is a joke. Every definition underneath is real. Learn the language well enough to spot when someone's hiding behind it, then send the funny ones to someone who needs them.
The greatest hits
Hit Translate it for the real meaning. Hit Share to send the joke to someone with a marketing retainer.
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ROI = Ran Out of Ideas
Return on investment. What came back compared to what you spent, shown every month in dollars, not vibes.
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KPI = Keep Paying Invoices
Key performance indicator. The handful of numbers that tell you if it is working, picked with you based on your business.
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SEO = Something Expensive, Obviously
Search engine optimization. Making it easy for people already looking for what you do to find you on Google.
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CTR = Can't Tell Results
Click-through rate. Out of everyone who saw it, how many clicked. Useful only if clicks turn into customers.
The full A to Z
The rest of the pile. Tap a row for the straight answer.
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A/B Test Two Opinions, Ranked By Math
A/B test. Showing two versions of something and seeing which does better. It only means something once enough people have seen both.
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Brand Awareness People Have Heard Of Us. Allegedly.
Brand awareness. How many of the right people recognize your name. Genuinely valuable, but hard to measure, so tie it to something you can count.
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Conversion Someone Actually Did The Thing
Conversion. A visitor taking the action you wanted: a call, a form, a purchase. Probably the number that matters most.
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CRM Constantly Reminding Me
Customer relationship management. The tool where you keep track of who your leads and customers are and what happened with them. Only useful if someone actually opens it.
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Dashboard Pretty Charts Nobody Opens
Dashboard. One screen with your numbers. Good if it answers where the money went, what happened, what we learned and what is next. Decoration if it does not.
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Engagement Someone Pressed A Button
Engagement. Likes, comments, shares and clicks on your content. Good for judging if something resonates. Not the same as customers.
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Impressions We Showed It To Someone, Probably
Impressions. How many times your ad or post appeared on a screen. It does not mean anyone read it, or even noticed.
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Leverage Use, But Billable
Leverage (the verb). It just means use. If someone says they will leverage something, ask what they actually plan to do.
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Omnichannel Be Everywhere, Do Nothing Well
Omnichannel. Showing up consistently wherever your customers are: site, email, social, ads, in person. Pick the few that matter instead of all of them.
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Pivot We Didn't Plan That
Pivot. Changing direction because of what you learned. Smart when it is a decision. A warning sign when it is a habit.
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Synergy Nothing, Said Confidently
Synergy. The idea that two things working together get more done than apart. A real idea, usually hidden behind a buzzword instead of saying what is actually working together.
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Thought Leadership Posting With Confidence
Thought leadership. Sharing real expertise so people trust you before they call. It works when it is useful and fails when it is a LinkedIn fortune cookie.
Got a piece of jargon that makes you want to throw your laptop? Send it to us. The best ones get a card.
